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Go see your bio-father no matter what he says
12/17/08
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:
I’m so sad I didn’t get to meet my bio-mother before she died and now I’m more determined to meet my bio-dad than ever.
I found my mother and talked to her on the phone, and she said bitterly he was a “drifter” who came through town after the war and stayed about three months.
She thought she was in love and then she got pregnant, and he just left town as fast as he came - didn’t want me, didn’t want her. She died a few soon after that phone call with me.
I don’t care if my bio-father’s no good. I just want to meet him and look into a face that looks like mine for a change.
I was adopted out and had a good life but this is my dream. I have located my father at an old folks home, and he’s healthy enough, but he says he doesn’t want to see me.
He’s a very old man now. Should I just drop in and see him anyway? I really need to see him once.
To Ambush or Not
Dear Ambush:
Your bio-father owes you that much - one visit. He gave you life and abandoned your mother and all responsibility. Then your mother gave you up.
Somebody in this ex-couple owes you a hello. So what if he’s uncomfortable for an hour.
One talk will answer some of your questions. Write all your questions on a list, so you don’t drive away berating yourself because you forgot something important.
It’s likely you’ll be nervous and forget things he says, so take a tiny hand tape recorder and then you can play his reponses back afterwards.
Once he meets you, he may secretly wish to take back saying he didn’t want to see you again.
When you leave, don’t act as if it’s the last time. Go back in a few weeks if you feel like it, at least until he tells you to stay away.
Try to find out his life story and find out if you have half-brothers or sisters. Start a little family tree. Frankly, it’s too bad if he doesn’t like you looking them up. A relationship with them would be their call, not his.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:
My girlfriend and I (both 22) just returned from Mexico. This evening I came home and found she’d painted the whole living room-dining room area “like the inside of a seashell”.
That’s right - pink. She didn’t ask me how I’d feel about the colour. I hated it and told her so, and she started bawling. Now she’s gone to see her mom.
She has ordered off-white furniture, without asking me too, and she says she will be paying for that - as if that helps.
I thought we were supposed to collaborate on all these decisions.
She’s already thrown out all my black leather furniture, so I barely have anything of mine in the main living space.
“Well, we still have your big monster bed!” she says. Yes, but who can see it under her sheets? Everything is girly-girl now.
And, she also hates my idea of art. Hers is feminine and modern
She never said she was going to take over like this. How do I stop her from steamrolling over me with her “taste”?
It turns out her taste is Mexican Beach Bunny. Yech. She only ever lived with her mom before, so never got to decorate.
Where Did I Go Wrong?
Dear Where:
Call your girlfriend up at Mama’s and ask her to come home for a big talk.There have to be boundaries when living together, and that is your subject matter.
In your modern relationship together, she has to know the woman doesn’t naturally have the right to decide the decor. In the past, men let women do all that stuff. This is 2008.
So, tell her you’ll go for a colour change, but not to pink walls. You sit down and decide it together.
If you’re having problems in your personal life, you can contact Miss Lonelyhearts at lovecoach@hotmail.com or write her c/o the Red Deer Express #121, 5301-43 Street, Red Deer, T4N IC8
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